This is George Bush’s accountability moment. That’s why I’m here. The mainstream media aren’t holding him accountable. Neither is Congress. So I’m not leaving Crawford until he’s held accountable. - Cindy Sheehan

There are things worth fighting for. And there are even some worth dying for. But Iraq is not one of them. - James Moore

      
Marriage is love.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Handy Dandy Guide for Dealing With the Cold

by Chris Floyd at Empire Burlesque

When things get a little nippy, you can always:

1. Set yourself on fire.
2. Climb inside the microwave and set it on "high" for 20 minutes. (If you do not have a microwave, you can always just climb inside an ordinary stove set at 180 degrees for 3 hours. Be sure to turn yourself at least once every 30 minutes.)
3. Run round and round the house with 60 pounds of buckwheat strapped across your back.
4. Body heat is an excellent source of winter warmth. Invite friends and family over, strip naked and pile yourselves into a pyramid. This is even more fun if everyone is wearing canvas bags over their heads and have their hands bound with plastic cuffs!
5. Make a burnt offering unto the Lord.
6. Hire yourself out as stoop labor building condos for Young Republicans in the new Allbaugh Heights district of New Orleans.
7. Sign up for President George W. Bush's special all-expenses-paid* "Commander-in-Chief Holiday Excursion" to the sun-kissed climes of ancient Babylon!


8 Comments:

Blogger Tina said...

You're back Via! I kept checking to see if you were back... and here you are.

I personally think selling my soul to the Devil and his fiery depths of eternal Hell would keep me toasty warm... let's face it... it has been keeping the GOP toasty for decades.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Grandpa Eddie said...

These ideas sound alot better than the one I tried once.
I foud that if you burn furniture in the livingroom a large hole developes in the floor and all the cold air from the basement comes up and defeats the purpose of the burning.

6:55 AM  
Blogger via said...

Tina, you are so kind. I'm sorry that I haven't been good about staying in touch at your blog....thank you so much for not giving me the boot!!

6:10 AM  
Blogger via said...

Eddie, you are now offically not only not allowed ropes, but matches, as well!!

My dad once set fire to his house after sticking a piece of kindling wood into the furnace in his basement so that he could write letters in the air like you do with sparklers on the 4th of July. My grandmother used to tell the story of standing on the front porch with him, looking through the dining room window as the dining room table and chairs, along with her fur coat which had been casually thrown over one, fell into the flaming hole which opened beneath them......... sounds like you and Dad are cut from the same cloth.....shit disturbers, both of you!!

6:16 AM  
Blogger Grandpa Eddie said...

Via,
It wasn't matches. It was a lighter and charcoal starter. It was an old unoccupied farmhouse, too.

Btw, no you can't have my lighter.

5:47 PM  
Blogger via said...

You have some stories that I would love to hear, Eddie!!

7:53 PM  
Blogger Grandpa Eddie said...

Via,
You probably wouldn't believe most of them.

I am surprised, as well my mom was when she was alive, that I lived past my 17th birthday, and my 25th, and then again my 30th.

7:22 PM  
Blogger via said...

And now Mary probably worries about keeping you in one piece for the next few years. You little shit disturber.

8:00 PM  

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